What Kind of Woman Doesn’t Desire Marriage?

Author  : Michelle                                             

Twitter : @michellenomsa

Blog     : michellenomsa.blogspot.com

I have a friend who is eighteen. I also have a friend who is twenty nine. When I am with either of them, and the many girls I know who are somewhere between these ages, the topic of marriage always manages to manoeuvre its way into our conversation. Why?

I procrastinated in writing this blog almost as much as I do when exam season is looming. The idea of marriage is often a difficult one for me to discuss, the simplest reason being that I am not as excited for or consumed by it in the way many of my female peers are. I find the concept of marriage draining and difficult and beautiful all at the same time. Here is this breath-taking setting that God created for man and wife to enjoy each other in all their nakedness (physically, emotionally, spiritually etc) and raise children in love and complete submission to Him. On the other hand, there is sin- proud, conceited and arrogant. All the things that marriage should not be. Despite the clear tensions between who we are and who God has called us to be, women are often pressured to pursue the latter at the risk of the former. 

Matthew 6:33 compels Christians to seek first the kingdom of God and everything else will follow. In regard to marriage, relationship ‘experts’ and bloggers, as well as Pastors, regularly encourage women to possess features that are considered Godly, albeit not for Godly purposes. Instead of teaching women to pursue holiness because it is what God desires for us, women are told that they must pursue holiness in order to be married. We are told that your husband must find you lost in God, and whilst we see some women prostrating before the altar in services, their hearts are stood up straight scouring the room for the man who will see them in that position and perceive them fit for marriage- their Boaz (the Christian Prince Charming)!

Being advised to submit to God’s will for the purpose of marriage is problematic in a number of ways. Firstly, when you feel that you have been tirelessly working for God but marriage has not come your way, you are guilty of attaching conditions to your service. God should be served simply because He is God, not because of the gifts He bestows upon us. Secondly, your service to God subconsciously becomes for the purpose of being seen by man, thereby placing mere humans above a sovereign Creator.

Not only are the spiritual lives of women affected by the unrealistic pressures put on women to make their primary desire/goal marriage; as women get older, they start to see the time frame for this goal slowly slipping away and fear that something is wrong with them. Such insecurity may also manifest in their physical, as well as emotional. Is it fair to make our women feel abnormal, unwanted and worthless because they do not consider marriage a goal or consider themselves ready for it?

Gathering people's opinions about a certain topic on WhatsApp is one of my many pastimes. This time, however, I felt incredibly annoyed after I posed a question to young women on how they feel about females over thirty not being married. For the most part, blame was put on the woman. She was seen as 'too career obsessed' or a cause to be pitied and prayed for. Why is it hard to accept that for some women, marriage and relationships are simply not a priority? Why is it difficult to accept that there can exist a woman who enjoys being by herself? Why is it incomprehensible that there are women who do not want children? In many circumstances, it comes naturally to women to desire children, but this is not the case in all situations. Why is it okay for a man to be over 30 and unmarried? Why is he considered a hero for taking time to settle down? Who created rules that a man can wait longer because he should marry a woman younger than him? 

One of my sources gave me the best reply that I could have asked for in relation to the question regarding unmarried woman. She said that ‘the fact that this is a question in 2014 is absurd and quite upsetting’. It makes no sense why a woman should have to justify her reasons for not wanting marriage or children, as if this is the only reason for her existence. As a Christian who is aware that the Bible, including stories of women’s lives, was written only by men, it is also upsetting to see the incredibly few times that scripture speaks of women outside their roles as mothers and wives. Not every woman that lived in the different eras that the Bible covers was married, and it would be interesting to gain an insight into the lives of these women, and use them as inspiration in not only the relationship aspect, but also other elements of our lives.

While researching Biblical marriage, I found that when orchestrating the first marriage, God’s reasoning for this was that ‘It is not good that the man should be alone’. In comparing this to modern day marriage, I believe that we have flipped this to ‘it is not good that woman should be alone’. A single woman, especially over the age of thirty, is constantly bombarded with the marriage talks and thus the longer she stays unmarried, the more the feelings of insecurity and unworthiness begin to increase. 

Do not pity me because I am not married or do not desire it for my life. I am free to make that choice and refuse to be seen as abnormal because it is one I have made. When God created and placed me on this Earth, He put me here as a full person. He did not make me half a person to be completed by someone else. If it is His will that I marry and have a family, I will accept it and enjoy it with all I have. However, if it isn’t His will, I will not sit here and feel sorry for and insecure about myself because I do not have a ‘significant other’. Marriage is not a goal to be achieved and ticked off; it is a lifelong commitment to each other through the incredibly joyful, as well as most horrendous and trying stages of life. After I have ticked it off, then what?

The point of this blog is not to shun marriage or the women who desire it. It is to simply show that a woman can be happy and whole without having a man to ‘complete’ her. A woman’s worth is not to be found in her appeal to men or her marriageability. We shouldn’t have to discuss why a woman is not married. It shouldn’t cause her to be looked down upon. Married or unmarried, she is a woman, phenomenally.  It is much profitable for us to marry later and be in a loving and fulfilling relationship than to settle for the fear of ending up alone. 

I will leave you with the important words of Apostle Paul in 1Corinthians 7:7-8 where he says: 

‘I wish that all of you were as I am [single]. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that’.

The relevance of this scripture is that whether or not you want to get married, it is up to you (and your partner) when you do. If your gift is a life of singleness, love it. If it is marriage, embrace it. Just refuse to be pressured. Live life on your own conditions. Seek first the kingdom of God.

God bless you,

Michelle 

Writer / Poet

LLB Law (European & International)

University of Sheffield